Friday, November 22, 2013

Jellybean Street

Not a thought in my mind -
Clouds under my feet -
Just breezin' along ---
on Jellybean street!

* Mom - I hope the clouds are under your feet ... breezing you along on Jellybean Street. Save a couple for me, Cute!  :)

On this page I will include some of mom's sayings, bits and pieces mom scribbled down on paper. Things I remember her having said and the entries in her journal. Today marks two weeks of mom's passing. She passed November 8th, 2013. Not a day has gone by that I don't think of you Cute. :)  Jellybean Street was mom's own made up little poem. I found it scribbled down on a piece of paper stuck in her journal book, but I remember her telling me about it when she made it up. It later became a password she used. It shows her fun whimsical side and brings a smile more now than ever. It's a shame I didn't think so much about it when she first told me about it. It sure brightens my days now though! 

1. Mom often called me Sweet Tater during our Skype conversations. We talked every single day on Skype or Windows Live Messenger before it shut down. She also called me LoveLee. My middle name is Lee. She had other pet names for me too but Sweet Tater was the one she often used.

2. "This Too Shall Pass". *A favorite sayings of hers.

3. "Slow goes the go of the slow" - *a made up saying of hers.  :)

4. "Pink daylilies upon a slender stalk - Lilies of the Valley deck my garden walk." *Scribbled on a piece of paper stuck in her Journal. 

5. "Buttermilk Skies" *Scribbled a ways down on the Jellybean Street poem. Perhaps another poem she was thinking about?

6. "I plant the seeds God makes them grow - God sends the rain I work the hoe" 
 *Scribbled on a piece of paper stuck in her Journal. I Googled and found a bible verse that I thought was cool -  1 Corinthians 3:6-9

7.  Casa Blanca Lily -

Remembering  your exquisite bloom
Conjuring up your haunting perfume
Captive of your enticing power
Hot damn what a flower!!

*Scribbled on a piece of paper stuck in her Journal.  One year mom bought Casa Blanca Lilies for all three of us - Herself, Cari and I. There was a couple of years we all bought each other Mother's Day flowers. Lilies mostly and Casa Blanca was one of them.

8.  "Dew is to the flowers -- As gentle words to the soul." *Scribbled on a piece of paper stuck in her Journal. 

9. "there can be nothing happy for the person over whom some fear always looms". *Scribbled on a piece of paper stuck in her Journal.  

She also has this word in quotation marks - "Dionysius" ... I looked it up and it means - Greek soldier: Tyrant of Syracuse.  Tyrant - a cruel and oppressive ruler. 

Mom told me a number of times that JP wasn't always what he seemed. Not always so nice. He wasn't abusive physically, but he had a mean streak. I don't know if this poem was written with him in mind or not ... but I believe so. He wasn't a very loving man. He never held hands, hugged or kissed mom. She told me a number of times that she felt horribly alone and missed being physically touched the way dad (Ray) use to touch and hold her and cuddle and snuggle with words of endearment. She told me she had been celibate for many years and not by choice. When mom would try to question JP about it .. he'd clam up and wouldn't talk about anything. 

Mom took care of JP financially and told me she paid for most all the bills. He had a social security check of about 800 dollars a month coming in. I'm sure he helped mom out some but I now wonder what he did with his money if he wasn't helping her much.  He cared a great deal for mom I'm sure .. but I wonder if he ever really truly loved her. Mom never thought so. She had a fear of being left alone so she didn't want to ask him to leave. What a terrible way to live. To be with a person, your partner, for 17 years and never receive the kind of love you so desperately need and want. My heart breaks every time I think about it. 

10. "An obsidian visitor arrives - torrid - reveries distant - far from peace pleas - he burdens my soul ripping asunder my pitiful peace. oh, for a moment of pastel peace.  wrung me out - cast me aside - Caring not my soul has cried. Melancholy on the wind. an obsidian visitor arrives - sorrow in the grass murky water drowns my eyes - infecting with your poison disabling my mundane world and shattering the crystal peace I feed upon"

* that is so heavy and heart wrenching. I don't know what this is about. John Paul again perhaps? I'll never know.

11.  "Trampling the verdant meadows of my reverie".  *Scribbled on a piece of paper stuck in her Journal. 


"I can feel your pen upon the paper - Words you inscribe to me" 

"I caress the stars"

"When I smile and candy coat the pain"

"Ice cream and butterflies"*Scribbled on a piece of paper stuck in her Journal. 

13. "To be rich is no longer a sin --- it's a miracle!"  *Scribbled on a piece of paper stuck in her Journal. 

14. "Delirium brings comfort to the dying"  *Scribbled on a piece of paper stuck in her Journal. 

Entries In Mom's Journal -

The Book is Titled "The Sacred Journey - Daily Journal For Your Soul 2009"

There wasn't a lot of entries in this journal but I hope to eventually include them all here. I'm pretty sure the book was a used one she found at the Gospel Mission. It appears her logs started in 2010.

My own comments will be after an asterisk * 

On the first page -

1. "Bonnie's many faces & souls & hidden selves over many years - entries & moods - ideas, thoughts, bitchin' & singing & whistling."


2.  Second Entry - Next to the word My Credo she writes: "Fairness - Honor - To thine own self be true."

Then She writes -

"Escape - 
Always escape those voices from the past - that trample the fallow fields of my fright ... of the scared little girl and the things that appear in the night ... in the dark ... in the stillness of shame."

* My thought -  I can't be sure .. but I believe that entry was about her step dad, Bull. He forced sexual acts with mom when she was just a little girl and he threatened her not to ever speak of them. Mom has told me in the past there was never any penetration but the humiliation and the horror and shame of what he did  left deep and lasting scars. She hated him the rest of her life.


Third Entry - Next to the word Financial/Career  she writes: Forget it! Too late Maria!!

* that made me laugh Mom! 

August 16, 2010 - I really want to change these figures! Seeing how Jodi & Pat are becoming so healthy and taking better care of themselves really has inspired me.
Weight - 165 (OMG!!)
Waist - 37" (UGH!!)


Fourth Entry - December 30, 2009

Next to the word Gratitudes: ---- I am most grateful most of all ---- for now and evermore ---- for my wonderful daughters. The daughters who define me, who give me reason to go on and make me want to see tomorrow. They are the flowers in my garden.

* Cute, you were the sunshine that we needed to grow on! You were the sunshine of my heart mom. I love you.  :)

On right side of page - 

December 30, 2009

I have the opportunity to live another month with a fairly healthy body and somewhat intact mental capacity :). I have the will to lose weight if I just put it to work as I did with the cigarettes. I want to get more exercise and get my body stronger for the time when I am unable to get around by myself and at least be able to help the girls drag my butt around the house.


Fifth Entry - 

Next to the word Opportunities: For my flowers names - they must not go unnamed or unnoticed or uncared for. Their pictures will remain forever. Lets call them ..... 
Neptune Wind - Hot burning Osiris - 2000 degrees - 
Marmalade skies - Pulsar - Verdant Vortex
Creation - Planemo - a planet with no sun!
Big Bang - Chaos - Cute Chaos - Cherry Chaos
Super Nova - Helio Sun -
Venus Between Us! Cygnus (Swan) Osiris

Solar Flare - Nebula
Avocado Bravado -

Next to the word GOALS: Light year - 6 trillion miles a year

* Mom loved astronomy and she loved Carl Sagan and his show "Cosmos: A Personal Voyage" She believed in the Big Bang Theory.

It was only a year or so ago (today is 11/22/2013) that mom had told me she made her peace with God ... Did she still believe in the Big Bang Theory too? I don't know. 

I had to look up some of these words .. and I know it tickles mom that I did! lol.

Cygnus - is a northern constellation lying on the plane of the Milky Way, deriving its name from the Latinized Greek word for swan.

Swans - are bird of the family Anatidae within the genus Cygnus.

Osiris - is an Egyptian god, usually identified as the god of the afterlife, the underworld and the dead. He was classically depicted as a green-skinned man with a pharaoh's beard, partially mummy-wrapped at the legs, wearing a distinctive crown with two large ostrich feathers at either side, and holding a symbolic crook and fail.

Another description of Osiris - A god originally connected with fertility, husband of Isis and father of Horus. He is known chiefly through the story of his death at the hands of his brother Seth and his subsequent restoration to a new life as ruler of the afterlife.

Carl Sagan was an American astronomer, astrophysicist, cosmologist, author, science popularizer and since communicator in astronomy and natural sciences.

  • * np2nwnd :)  I love it Cute!

  • A quote my daughter, Lacey, just left one her facebook that I like -

    "Time Is Like A River - You cannot touch the same water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every passing moment of life."

  • __________

    To be continued ...

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